Wednesday, 27 February 2013


Christian McIntyre

I didn't used to sag off school a lot. I think in total I skipped about 4 or 5 days. I used to walk to school most days with my friend Slav. We'd meet at the bottom of my road, head up to the shop, stock up on Taz Bars, Freddos, Wham Bars, Fruit Salad Bars, Bruisers (my favourite - apple and black currant, chewy, bright green and purple, delicious) and Space Raiders. Sometimes I used to sell these items in school for twice the amount of money that I paid for them. You weren't allowed out of the school premises at all throughout the day, so I had the market nailed. More often than not, if I'd made a few quid selling, I'd lose it the next day playing odds and evens. I miss that game actually, it was brilliantly addictive and the thrill of winning is unequalled even to this day. Sometimes you'd lose though. If you lost everything you had, which could sometimes be as much as £9, you'd find yourself hungry at dinner time. Sometimes I'd steal my dinner. It was easy enough, there were so many kids in the queue. I'd load up with pie and chips and beans and a bowl of apple pie and custard and blend in to the till queue until I'd nearly got to the front and then wait for somebody to get served and then kind of walk out with him...I done that a few times. Sometimes, if I was still hungry after eating all that, I'd go back and do it again.

Anyway, one morning I'd arranged to meet another mate from school. His name was Danny. We'd planned to bunk off the first half of the day and hang out in the woods because it was a really nice day. The woods were great - really thick and loads of secret hide-outs. Perfect for sitting off when you should have been in school. The woods even backed on to the set of Brookside, so if you were lucky you could catch Ron Dixon serving in the garage there. If you were even more lucky, you might even see Jackie Dixon. Phwoar!!

Anyway, Danny and I were sat off in the woods. I think we might have been smoking ciggies too, I can't remember. After an hour and a half of sitting off in the woods I realised that I needed a poo. It was only 10.30am. I couldn't go to school until 12.30pm when we had dinner break so I could easily blend in to the lunchtime crowd without being spotted by a teacher whilst sneaking in. I couldn't go home because my step-dad was off that day and he would have bollocked me for not being in school. I was in a quandary alright. It came on strong, I badly needed a shit and it was no laughing matter, contrary to how funny Danny found the situation.  I was stuck in the woods in dire need of a poo but there was nowhere I could comfortably go and do it in. I asked Danny to run to the shop for me to buy some toilet roll so I could do it in the woods. I know everybody will be screaming, 'just wipe your bum with leaves!!', but seriously, has anybody ever done that? How would it work? It'd be disgusting and I would have definitely would have ended up with poo on my fingers. Danny didn't want to go to the shops because he had his school uniform on and he would have been foiled as a sagger. I screamed and begged for him to just take his blazer and tie off and go for me and eventually he did...I was almost in tears. He walked off. 'RUN YOU NOBED!!' I balled at him. He ran off into the distance. Laughing his head off. I waited. It was excruciating. I was in pain by now and I had to use every little bit of concentration I had to not shit myself. Danny was taking ages. I had to make a decision. I'd already said to myself, 'I'll give him 3 more minutes' twice at this point. I decided that I had to go home to do this. I would tell my step dad that I was incredibly sick and that I had to come home to poo without telling the teachers because it was so desperate. I was thinking about this as I was walking home. The walk from the woods to my house is about 6 minutes long. I was waddling...I couldn't let my bum cheeks relax for a nanosecond. I was sweating. I think I was making sounds too, groans. Then a bit came out. I panicked and I started to run. This was the worst mistake I could have made, it was the end. I had to concede defeat. With each stride, poo was just falling out of my bottom, making it's way down my trouser leg. I'm pretty sure I was sobbing. I got to the front door and I banged and banged until my stepdad answered. I barged past him and legged it upstairs into the bathroom and sat on the toilet but it was futile, the damage was already done. 

I showered and then I bagged my kecks and my undies up and binned them. 
I told my stepdad that I was desperate to go to the toilet but that I didn't want to go in school because the toilets were so disgusting, which was true.
I made it back to school for the dinner break and snuck in, blending in to the playground with the lunchtime crowd.
I spotted my mate Danny, who was in the corner of the yard playing odds and evens. He never went to the shop to buy me some toilet roll, he just went straight back to school and said he was late.